Archive for October, 2011

I am attempting to go back to church, because about 4 years ago it was a VERY big part of my life. I attended Hillsong until I moved away from London & church, but going back I thought would be easy. I was wrong, so VERY WRONG!

4 years ago church was very different at Hillsong, it was very much segregated into cliques, but 4 years later these cliques have become very exclusive. Is this what God wanted from his church? Before the cliques were easy to gain entry into, attend a function & there would a group of people waiting to invite you into their clique, but those functions have gone. I feel so sorry for anyone that is trying to find God here, because I don’t see him there anymore.

The last Sunday that I was there I actually left before it even started & went to the cinema. I felt so guilty, but I felt like I was being taunted. I spoke to a girl to try & get introduced to a connect group (weekly meetings for Christians to meet & band over God), but I walked away as though she had felt sick by the sight of me. Even the group of people she wanted to put me with were a fair distance from where I live & the group that I could see that looked closer she dismissed as though I was not worthy.

Being at Hillsong I feel like a secret millionaire, they discount me before they even realise what I have to offer. They could never meet Christ as they are too caught up in their own lives & cliques that even Jesus himself would be missed if he visited.

I am now left wondering whether this church that once (I felt) saved me from being a lone Christian, has now become the place that will push me away from my faith in God.

I know that no one from that church will ever read this or even care about my thoughts, as no one ever does, but this only has become a topic because I went to an event at Hillsong called The Gathering & the topic of the topic was “friendship”. It was so ironic that at the event one of the speakers talked about the church cliques & when people were upset with someone just moved on to a new group because the church was so big, but no one mentioned being a friend to everyone. Regardless of having you own little exclusive clique it is still supposed to be God’s house & God’s people.

I wonder what the next 4 years hold for the Christian community if they are becoming so exclusive who will or would want to be a part of it… Because today I don’t want to associate with God’s community because I don’t want to isolate myself from the people that I can save from pain, suffering or loneliness. The church has enough friends (cliques) within its walls, I think I will be friends with those without.


Pathetic relationships

Posted: October 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

My workplace is a hub of people who seem to have never grown up, whether it’s their attitudes, sex life/relationships or just that they are pathetic. But… There are some that fit all these categories.

David is a chubby, guy (to put it straight, he’s fat), but he doesn’t see it. His ideal girlfriend when I met him was every slim, blonde girl who was into sports. That was not the reality that would find him attractive, but that wasn’t going to stop him telling people that every girl in our department were ugly because they weren’t blonde & super skinny. This never bothered me as most people would consider me ugly just because of my skin tone, but why should I care about something I can’t change.


So this David was very much very critical about everyone, but little did he know that everyone he deemed his friend were mocking him. There were jokes about his walk, his voice (which very high pitched & feminine), also the fact that since everyone had known him he had been single, so everyone considered him the department “virgin” (very much like the 40year old virgin).

He had been in the department for a long time, but I had only known him for about a year & he never talked about having a girlfriend or going out. He spent most of his time on a golf course with the guys from our department or at his parents house (that was fuel to a lot of the jokes).

But just before Christmas 2010 he was invited to an event by his brother, so he went & took photography’s to practise being a photographer (one of his projects to make money). At this event he met a girl, but he didn’t tell anyone. Now this is when it starts to get weird.

Now fast forward to February & via Facebook he changed his relationship status to “being in a relationship”, but not one day did he talk about her. It wasn’t until April that he would talk about her as though everyone knew how they met & that they were in a relationship.

Then in June I was on Facebook & David had an update on my News feed. He was now “engaged”. He has been in the relationship for 5 months, when he proposed, despite telling everyone after 3 weeks that he was going to propose. He bought s ring he had to go in debt for & is now planning a VERY expensive wedding.

But, despite this fast track relationship, I am surrounded by relationship novices. There is a guy called Roy, when I met him he was very loved up with his wife they had 2 young children & he was so happy. 6months of knowing him & his life fell apart, his wife wanted to separate, due to having manic depression (well that’s what he thought, due to her mood swings). The relationship went from hot to cold within months.

Now fast forward, and he is now single & not wanting to be alone. He fell for Rachel, the cute girl of our department, but she was oblivious to his feelings, despite he told everyone that would listen how he felt, but she was in the country on a visa & was heading back to her home country in a few months so he let her go. Very quickly he moved on to one of the cleaning girls, now this story is very disturbing, but that facts are not clear so this is mainly speculation.

Roy wanted to get a date with the cleaning girl, but as she didn’t really speak to him, an elaborate plan was set up to get her number. Roy contacted her manager & was given her phone number & then he called her to ask her out. She declined, but this is a story that may or may not be true, but would have been so scary for her. I was angry that her manager would have given out her details.

But now Roy has began online dating, but I have no idea how that is going as he is still looking for a relationship. But David had also tried online dating before meeting his LOML (Love of My Life is the term they use when online “Facebook”… very cringe worthy) but I can’t fault a happy relationship.

Then again, I would like to say that David is happy, but I think he has given himself a standard to live up to that he is struggling to reach. David’d fiancé, is from a very wealthy family & David has been trying to live up to that. It started with the engagement ring, where he spent over £5000 for it to impress his fiancé’s friends. Now he seems to be trying to find a job that caters to her free time. He never really spent time with his friends but now he seems to be attaching himself to her friends & family. This would be fine if he wasn’t living beyond his means.

He has been very low, calling in sick & trying to spend as much as he can so she & her friends thinks that he can afford to. I hate watching people crumble, but he is going to crumble into so many pieces.

My work place is a hub of pathetic-ness, but it gives me something to type about. I know it takes me so long to update, but it takes me forever to find something I deem worthy to write about.
Hopefully I can update on some of my work dramas. So watch this space.