God = Guilt?

Posted: January 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

This is going to be a VERY personal post…
(Sorry if I ramble, but I am not very good with opening up)

I am going to divulge some very personal things about myself, things I have mentioned before & things I have been very reluctant to share. It’s not that I am ashamed, but more that people may not understand.

Anyway here I go…

I was raised in a Christian home, I went to church every Sunday & I even had Church specific clothes. I grew up in a small town, so my church was quite small. When I first was at church there were quite a few people of my age group, but as I got older they slowly depleted.

I became a lone Christian.

Despite this I was still very happy. I put my heart & soul into my faith in God. I also think that I withdrew from the real world. I kept my distance from my non-believing friends & felt that God was going to supply me with the best Christian friends.

Throughout my school life, I was so proud to talk about being a Christian & God, but I was still looking for the blessing of close Christian friendships.
As I moved into college age, I noticed a shift in my life as guys had become much more confident & I was considered attractive (I truly couldn’t see it), but I had made a pact with myself & God. I had decided to (since my preteens) to save myself for marriage.

So throughout my college years I refused to date anyone as I felt when God was ready I would meet the man I was to marry & I wouldn’t have to deal with the multiple relationships that were going nowhere.
When I went to university, which was in a big city, I had read a few books about dating & courtship, so I felt that maybe I was being too harsh on the male population, but I was still not willing to date a guy outside of the church.

As I finished university I realised that many of the guys in church were not as committed to God as I wanted then to be. So I went back to my small town for a brief time, but the big city was calling me back & felt that God wanted me to be there.

So as I ventured into the working world & the big city, I chose to devote my life to God & only God, but it was difficult because as with my life I got a lot of attention from guys outside of the church & decided that I would see where they would lead. But my heart was so conflicted with my faith so I went back to my not dating rule.

But… My faith was really struggling as I had no Christian friends, so no support from a Christian perspective & losing all my non-believing friends in the process.

I moved out of the city for work & to another small town, but this was a real test for my faith as I had no church, no friends & a place so unfamiliar to me. In the city I had found a church I loved & was living with a couple of Christian girls, so felt that my life might be getting to the right place, but now that was all behind me.

As I was so strong in my faith my first thought was to find a church & I did. It was very similar to my city church & I felt that I could find my Christian hub in this town. But I couldn’t be more wrong!

In short, I was rejected by this church & my world crumbled!

I was in a new town, I had no church & all the people that accepted me were non-believers. This changed my view on expecting Christian friends or a Christian life.

I began to question everything that I had sacrificed for my life as a good Christian girl. I threw out everything & started living.

So you are now wondering why I told you this about my life… Well…

During my time in this small town I met a guy, he wasn’t from the town so from the moment (weekend) we met, he travelled to come to see me & we became a couple.

Shortly after we officially became a couple, we moved in together (clearly breaking my “save myself until marriage” rule).

So with this non-believing boyfriend in tow, I moved back to the big city.
So fast forward 5 years & I wanted to go back to Church, don’t ask me why, but i felt i was in need of it. I struggled with this though because “I thought how can I go back to church now that i have broken my vow & living in sin?”

I feel that I can’t be a real Christian because I am not married to my boyfriend (who I feel is better than any Christian guy could ever be).
My boyfriend has been an inpiration to my struggle with returning to Church as he has been extremely supportive.
As a non-believer, I expected that he would be against Church, but he offered to attend with me.

So one Sunday I took my boyfriend to Church…

He hated the church, not because of the message, but because they talked a lot about the congresgation giving money & not an offering like most churches I was used to going to.

I tried to reassure my boyfriend that it wasn’t always like this so for the next few months I took my boyfriend to church & even some events as the church had setup a community for 25+ age group.

This didn’t help my boyfriends distaste for church, probably made it worse & it really didn’t bring back my faith in God at all.

I stopped going to church again, but I am still in the process of going on a trip with this church & I am in two minds.
To cancel the trip or to go? Go, try & enjoy myself & then count my losses with the whole Christian existence?

This whole post was leading to this…

Does God make you feel guilty? Do I want to go back to God because it was such a big part of my life or because I feel guilty because I walked away so easily? Or am I guilty because I am not married & living in sin?

The problem I have with Church is that it makes me feel guilty.

Why should I then feel guilty for walking away from a life I wasn’t ever a part of, being alone wasn’t the life God had intended for Christians, but how can one be a disciple for God without the love of God?

This is a personal post, but I felt it was time to share it. I have had a deep guilt within because I felt I had failed. I didn’t wait until marriage, I lost my faith in God & I never made any Christian friends when it was crucial that I had them.

Christianity made me feel like a failure & its only now that I realise how much even when I was very faithful, I still never felt good enough to be a evangelist for God.

Partly why I was inspired to write this post was becasue I was reading a blog about God’s Will or Guilt, which really made me think that I am struggling with Church more because of the people than my faith in God.

After I had read that, I decided to surf the net a bit & look at other people conflicted with church. An interesting article was in the Huffington post, but it was not the original article, but it was about a guy who’s faith was still very much intact, but he had enough of church & was leaving.

Faith in God should be unfailing & my faith has failed, but I think the church doesn’t help.

For the New Year I think I shall explore my faith in God without the church. The guilt placed on having a relationship away from the church puts so much pressure on the relationship with God.
The church should not dictate peoples lives, but be a support.


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