Archive for May, 2013

The Seven Year Itch

Posted: May 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

There is a saying in regards to relationships usually applied to marriage:

The seven-year itch

I never thought that this was true in a unwed couple, especially from a female perspective. It was always a term I thought would apply to a man unhappy in a relationship that has run its course.

I am writing about the seven year itch, because I am approaching my 7 years with my boyfriend & I feel that we have run our course; there is no where for us to go from here.

From my perspective, marriage is not on the cards. I truly believe at this point in our relationship, if I don’t ask, I don’t get; but I don’t want to put the pressure on a relationship that is not intended to end in marriage.

So, I have made the decision to walk away, and it’s the hardest thing I have had to do, as this guy is my best friend!

The last 2 years has been my deciding factors for whether I stayed or went; he could have won me with the 4 words that every girl wants to hear, regardless of whether they’ll say yes or no.

“Will You Marry Me?”

It is as simple as that, this can give a reason for a woman to stay. I may not be very traditional by living with my boyfriend, but the idea of children outside of wedlock is just not a compromise that I want to make… As I have made so many in my life & I need to hold onto a bit of my integrity.

As my boyfriend doesn’t see marriage to me in his future them, staying would mean that he is deciding that I am not having children & that should be a decision we both get to choose.

So with the 7 year anniversary approaching we will be seeing it out by moving apart & beginning a new life & counting the years of a relationship with someone new.

One thing I never really knew was how much a guy could love & still not commit. I have dated, but nothing this serious & as I told him that I felt we should end our relationship, the realisation of an end seemed to crush him. Even while I watched him search his mind trying to find the wrong words to make me stay, I couldn’t understand why asking me to marry him was the last thought he had & only when I said “I wanted to seek a new relationship that will end in marriage not a single status”.

Having to end a relationship to bring the idea of marriage into his mind really upset me; has our society changed so much that unless you have a religious belief or come from a broken home, is marriage a commitment considered unnecessary?
My boyfriends parents are married & have been for over 30 years; mine are divorced, but I still believe in marriage, but my boyfriend doesn’t & I would have thought that me being from a broken home would mean I would have more of a negative view of marriage & as my boyfriend has parents happily married parents he’d be more likely to want a long marriage like his parents?

There is a song that I stumbled across & when I heard it, I knew it represented my relationship over the years. It’s a Rihanna song called Fading. The lyrics really express what I felt happening over the years & today I know that if I don’t go now, I will stay & resent him as I age & miss my chance at motherhood & even marriage.

You say you love me
But they feel
Like words to me
Well this just
Ain’t working
Stop thinking
You can run over me
Drifting
Settling
Off to
A foreign place
If I can’t see
What’s in front of me
It’s a mystery
Well then apparently

[Chorus:]
Things just ain’t the same
And I’m ready for change
Go on, begone, bye bye, so long
Can’t you see that you’re
Fading, fading, fading, fading
Away, away, away, away
I opened up my eyes, and I finally realized
Today, today, it’s too late
You’re fading away

Put a sock in it
Just stop running your mouth
Got my mind made up
I ain’t coming back again
No way, no way, no way, no way
Cause I’m so fed up
You got me messed up
If we hooking back up
Don’t press your luck today, today
I’m blowing you away

[Chorus:]
Things just ain’t the same
And I’m ready for a change
Go on, begone, ta ta, so long
Can’t you see that you’re
Fading, fading, fading, fading
Away, away, away, away
I opened up my eyes and I finally realized
Today, today, it’s too late
You’re fading away

Saw you turn into a ghost right in front of my eyes
Tell me what’s a girl to do when she’s crying inside?
I’m about to go insane, I’m jumping off this train
Whether wrong or right I’ll be gone by night

[Chorus:]
Can’t you see that you’re
Fading, fading, fading, fading
Away, away, away, away
I opened up my eyes and I finally realized
Today, today, it’s too late
You’re fading away

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Can living your life for others eventually destroy who you were to become?

I have always been so good at adapting to change, I was what people needed at the right time & at my own detriment. I am a people pleaser; fitting to role that they seem to be lacking at whatever time they are in their lives & as I start to allow my true self to emerge I find that I end up losing all those around me. This really mainly applies to females, as I find my adaptability seems to make the males in my life cling to me & I seem to run from them… Not sure why.

I know I was wrong in my approach to people, but when you have spent your whole life doing so, how do you find yourself in all the personalities that have been created?
Can I bring myself back from the dead?

Spending so much time absorbing the sorrow of all those I have met in my life; bringing them to their happy place & taking up their position in the dark. As I face my rediscovery I fear all the years of trying to be “normal” may come back to haunt me.

Growing up as me… I remember the names I was called by those closet to me…

“bounty” (as in the chocolate bar),
“not black enough”

What does it all mean?

How do I define my ethnicity?

I have always been proud of being British! But everyone around me seems to think that I should define myself as something else, but what?

I allow myself to be intimidated by Caucasian people because I relate to their world, but I can never be involved as they seem to think (or those that I meet in my life) that I should be some sort of Ghetto girl, wearing big hooped earrings, batty rider shorts & listen to reggae & rap music.

But… That is not me!

I want to be who I think I am, not who everyone wants me to be.

I dress very differently at work to what I deem my real world. At work when working nights, I wear hoodies & baggy trousers for comfort reasons & during my day shifts I am much more conservative as its the office hours; so I tend to wear dress trousers & sweaters, but obviously summer outfits will be tee-shirts & cardigans. This differs drastically from my out of work outfits which consist of dresses, shorts & vest tops. But I’m very conservative, which is probably from my church upbringing.

My socialising consists of coffee shops, afternoon tea, sitting in bookshops, going to events like Taste London, film festivals (usually horror based)… Also been to a few music festivals. But I’m not keen on night clubs, Ibiza holidays, or being rowdy; I’m not a huge fan of Caribbean food. I know none of this stuff is restrictive to any ethnic group, but I feel that no one allows themselves to know me & what I am like.

My boyfriend suggested that I attend a confidence class because he feel that I am unnecessarily intimidated by people. I know that he is right, but I think it’s because I am afraid of myself. I act upper class & I feel if people find this out they may think I’m trying to be someone I’m not.
Most people that I meet in my world think that as an ethnic minority you are poor & live on a council estate, but I have never experienced that so I can not relate to those who have, regardless of their race.

I remember a discussion we had at work & a colleague referred to growing up on a council estate & I said “I wouldn’t know, I never lived on one”, a Caucasian male colleague involved in the conversation seemed offended & said “I grew up on a estate”; as if disgusted that my parents could afford a house. I couldn’t understand his reaction, like I should apologise for not being poor!

I am who I am & regardless of how hard I try to be what everyone wants me to be, I will never escape from who I am!

I hope this post has not offended anyone; but I feel if I don’t document my progression, I’ll just bottle it all up & no one will ever know my feelings.

People, regardless of their race should be entitled to be who they choose to be!