You are, who you are! Why change?

Posted: May 28, 2013 in Uncategorized
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Can living your life for others eventually destroy who you were to become?

I have always been so good at adapting to change, I was what people needed at the right time & at my own detriment. I am a people pleaser; fitting to role that they seem to be lacking at whatever time they are in their lives & as I start to allow my true self to emerge I find that I end up losing all those around me. This really mainly applies to females, as I find my adaptability seems to make the males in my life cling to me & I seem to run from them… Not sure why.

I know I was wrong in my approach to people, but when you have spent your whole life doing so, how do you find yourself in all the personalities that have been created?
Can I bring myself back from the dead?

Spending so much time absorbing the sorrow of all those I have met in my life; bringing them to their happy place & taking up their position in the dark. As I face my rediscovery I fear all the years of trying to be “normal” may come back to haunt me.

Growing up as me… I remember the names I was called by those closet to me…

“bounty” (as in the chocolate bar),
“not black enough”

What does it all mean?

How do I define my ethnicity?

I have always been proud of being British! But everyone around me seems to think that I should define myself as something else, but what?

I allow myself to be intimidated by Caucasian people because I relate to their world, but I can never be involved as they seem to think (or those that I meet in my life) that I should be some sort of Ghetto girl, wearing big hooped earrings, batty rider shorts & listen to reggae & rap music.

But… That is not me!

I want to be who I think I am, not who everyone wants me to be.

I dress very differently at work to what I deem my real world. At work when working nights, I wear hoodies & baggy trousers for comfort reasons & during my day shifts I am much more conservative as its the office hours; so I tend to wear dress trousers & sweaters, but obviously summer outfits will be tee-shirts & cardigans. This differs drastically from my out of work outfits which consist of dresses, shorts & vest tops. But I’m very conservative, which is probably from my church upbringing.

My socialising consists of coffee shops, afternoon tea, sitting in bookshops, going to events like Taste London, film festivals (usually horror based)… Also been to a few music festivals. But I’m not keen on night clubs, Ibiza holidays, or being rowdy; I’m not a huge fan of Caribbean food. I know none of this stuff is restrictive to any ethnic group, but I feel that no one allows themselves to know me & what I am like.

My boyfriend suggested that I attend a confidence class because he feel that I am unnecessarily intimidated by people. I know that he is right, but I think it’s because I am afraid of myself. I act upper class & I feel if people find this out they may think I’m trying to be someone I’m not.
Most people that I meet in my world think that as an ethnic minority you are poor & live on a council estate, but I have never experienced that so I can not relate to those who have, regardless of their race.

I remember a discussion we had at work & a colleague referred to growing up on a council estate & I said “I wouldn’t know, I never lived on one”, a Caucasian male colleague involved in the conversation seemed offended & said “I grew up on a estate”; as if disgusted that my parents could afford a house. I couldn’t understand his reaction, like I should apologise for not being poor!

I am who I am & regardless of how hard I try to be what everyone wants me to be, I will never escape from who I am!

I hope this post has not offended anyone; but I feel if I don’t document my progression, I’ll just bottle it all up & no one will ever know my feelings.

People, regardless of their race should be entitled to be who they choose to be!


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