Keeping Up Appearances

Posted: August 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

Today I have had the worst and scary realisation as to why my relationship has lost it’s spark for me…

I am Mrs Hyacinth Bucket (Bouquet), from Keeping Up Appearances. (If you have not seen it I’ll be posting a video for all to see.)

She is a women trying so hard to escape her roots of being a lower-class citizen and trying to establish herself as a wealthy woman of leisure.
As she goes about her life trying to keep her rich and interesting friends away from her slobbish family, she is accompanied by her mild-mannered husband Richard. He is a standby character who hardly says a word as situations for his wife spiral out of her control.

This is what I feel my life has become, dating a mild-mannered man who shares no opinion about a anything and would gladly following of a cliff if I choose that destination for us. I never envisioned this for myself.

I am very happy to be with someone who can share in discussion with and we plan together pour adventures, but the reality makes me cringe with disappointment with myself not him.

I see myself bulldozing my way up this non-existent social ladder and dragging behind me a guy who is clearly out of his comfort-zone. He is so polite and submissive that he will not challenge me, but allows me to become somewhat of a bully; bossing him around and reducing his masculinity to zero.

It might seem that I am dissing myself and you assume correctly. I am so ashamed of the medias portrayal of minorities that I have always strove to disprove the misinterpretation. Unfortunately for me it has thrust me into a role I am so familiar with in regards to running away from a negative behaviour. I have become pompous, a snob in my own right, taking control of my partner as a tool in my ascent away from where I am placed socially due to my race.

I am an actress playing her roles in the real world instead of on the television screen. I am my true self around my family as they know me and my flaws.

The boyfriend began the relationship with the perfect girlfriend giving him all the good character traits and sex without prompting, but as he grew distant the misery and pain of rejection brought forth the bitch. She has no interest in sparing the feelings of her passive boyfriend who caters to her every need except in the bedroom, she decides that as he is so submissive in the bedroom and his sexual desires are significantly lower than hers, she will share herself and her bed with another.
Her boyfriends family create a new character; the perfect girlfriend, polite and interested in all they have to say. She listens intently to the mother so all her issues are off-loaded and she laughs at all the fathers jokes, even sparing time to watch sport with him (but having a slight interest in sport does help).

I don’t know many girls who feel so torn around the people in their lives, but I certainly do. My boyfriend requires one character, his family another and my friends require their own individual versions creating numerous personalities for a group on different people.

I alway wanted to be extroverted but with all the stress and thought that goes into spending time with people I am too drained to be around people for long periods of time and am glad to sit alone to reflect and recover.

I am not suicidal before people begin to worry; but sometimes I do wonder how people would feel if I just wasn’t here anymore. I know my family wouldn’t be happy but it’s not really their reaction I’d like to see.

My boyfriend is actually my ex as I write this, but we are still on friendly terms despite him being upset that I ended the relationship. His family are now aware but recently a mutual friend invited me to her Hen Party and I stayed with my ex at his parents house as they live where this friend lives (outside London).
His parents acted like nothing happened not even enquiring about the break-up, I was so nervous as when my mum heard she asked questions, sent me relationship book and was very much trying to make sure I had tried everything (I had, as I wouldn’t just throw a 6 year relationship away without really trying).
I spoke to my ex’s family as I normally did, but part of me wanted to know if they felt they should be kicking me out for loyalty sake; but I realised they were not like like my family. My parents are divorced and so I think as I am the one walking away I want to make sure it’s the right decision for me. My ex and his family are the one awaiting the tears, and because they are married the whole process must be quite foreign to them regardless of the fact that we were never married, we were just together for a very long time… Sometimes it feels like it was too long.

I have gone on one hell of a tangent, but I feel that I had so much within me that I just haven’t faced.

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