Is it wrong to be selfish?

Posted: August 23, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

It has dawned on me that in my world I am surrounded by people that seem to only take from me. They require my time, my support and my approval, but when the reverse is needed I find myself alone and facing this world alone.

My best friend is my mother and all my friends barely know the ‘real‘ me. I hear friends say “I know you so well“, but many rely on my Facebook status to even remember when my birthday is.

I have always acted older than my years, mainly due to my time in church surround by an elderly congregation. I find it very difficult to relate to my own generation, especially females.

I read so many “Christian” books about friendship growing up to be able to connect to my generation, but to no avail because being vulnerable lead me to unmeasurable hurts, when I opened up to so-called friends.

I am living on the boundaries of life… Alone!

I don’t belong anywhere… In the church, I am an outsider and outside the church, I am strange! There is no place for me in this existence… But then, how do I find my place?

We all strive to belong, we look long and hard for companionship and when we have it, it’s so hard to let it go.
This brings me to my faith (or more accurate… Belief) in God!
Growing up I never felt I needed human interaction because I had such a close bond (or thought I did) with God, but as a person grows their thoughts and beliefs change to.

I started to realise that my friendship with God was equal to a child having an imaginary friend. I felt that when I was rejected by people, I ran back to God and felt safe, but I wasn’t safe!

I let my faith and trust in God cloud my judgement and build a wall around me and the rest of the world. This made it so hard to venture into the world when God was gone. People build their close (long-term) friendship from childhood and when you don’t achieve that it becomes very difficult to build them in later life without having achieved the lifestyle expectation, such as marriage, children and successful career, depending on your social grouping.

I am happy in the direction of my life, but I find the friends I have gathered are so self-obsessed that I struggle to want to hold onto them. I have to build their esteemed so much that I fear including them in my successes because I don’t want to feel like I am boasting. Happy moments for me are becoming private because I don’t want to upset anyone.

When can I be selfish? I even felt bad for asking my own mother for her time because other people may need her. I feel like I am allowing myself to disappear!

I have always wanted to know… Why are we hear? What is our purpose? But for what reasons because even if we found the answer, what would we even do with it?

Life has lost all meaning… This has been a very down beat post. Not my intention, but really wanted an outlet. Hopefully, the next post will be from another source or me in a less self focused mood!


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