So I subscribe to few channels on YouTube and some of these people really resonate with me because I can see myself. This video for example of someone that reminds of some of my down days.

This video is of Trisha Paytas and she is pouring her heart out. I truly can relate to some of what she is saying in this video. Since I became a mother I have faced so much body shaming from mainly females (most of which are family). Here is the video:

Some times when I watch Trisha it’s like I’m seeing my inner self in human form. Sometimes I can see her loneliness even when she seems happy and together. I see her vlogs as her finding company when is she feeling lonely. I can relate because I used and sometimes still do use my blog to vent thoughts that I know my real world friends just couldn’t understand or relate to.

I sound a little ungrateful for the life I have, but this is not intended to sound as such it’s more a realisation to the fact that we are all hiding behind some kind of mask. This happens because especially as females perfection is what the media are portraying at the current moment. Individuality or difference is considered gross, scary or just plain wrong.

I think the fear we have for being the one that is considered differs is why there is so much hate, shaming or even attacks. We fear what we don’t know, instead of trying to understand what is different. We appropriate different cultures all the time but in some instances we belittle/reject the people of that culture. We need to learn to appreciate the original sources that inspire us.

When we look at people’s images online we need to remember the human behind the photo. There are real feelings and suffering; remember you may share a photo one day and would you want to be shamed?

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I realized that I’m a daydreamer and play out my life in my head. I find the real world hard to tolerate.

I have a whole existence in my head that is far better than the reality of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my hubby and I definitely love my child. I’m just lost in a nowhere place in my head.

This all sounds so crazy but I’ve spent so many years there, that I’m still trying to find my way out and the more of reality I see the more I retreat back into my safe place.

When I was younger the internet became Do you remember MySpace (lol, that makes me feel old)? That began my journey outside of myself, but with every blog post inbuilt up anxiety. I was not afraid of people reading my thoughts, but maybe the idea of people getting to know how messed up I actually am.

When I started chasing my real world career dreams I thought that I had combated my fantasy world because I was living my dreams. When that dream started to fade I found myself back inside my head… then I got pregnant.

Again I thought I was going to be able to live in the real world again; but alas I’m back in my head.

I’m writing this post not because I want attention or sympathy. I just miss blogging but it was such an outlet for the young me and her fantasies that I’m afraid I’d get lost in her world again.

I’m not saying I’ve got a mental illness but fantasies can take over and perfection starts to feel like a real possibility. I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it. I think my head makes me more aware of how flawed I am.

I’m trying to look to God, like I did in my youth. The problem is I’m struggling to believe there is a God. I think I’m searching for a belief that feels real.

Since my fathers death I’m more aware of my mortality and having a child makes it worse and I think that is why all these questions and thoughts are coming full force.

I may at some point add another post updating on my crappy brain function but right now I’ll end this post and crawl back into my head.

Until next time…