Posts Tagged ‘loneliness’

I realized that I’m a daydreamer and play out my life in my head. I find the real world hard to tolerate.

I have a whole existence in my head that is far better than the reality of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my hubby and I definitely love my child. I’m just lost in a nowhere place in my head.

This all sounds so crazy but I’ve spent so many years there, that I’m still trying to find my way out and the more of reality I see the more I retreat back into my safe place.

When I was younger the internet became Do you remember MySpace (lol, that makes me feel old)? That began my journey outside of myself, but with every blog post inbuilt up anxiety. I was not afraid of people reading my thoughts, but maybe the idea of people getting to know how messed up I actually am.

When I started chasing my real world career dreams I thought that I had combated my fantasy world because I was living my dreams. When that dream started to fade I found myself back inside my head… then I got pregnant.

Again I thought I was going to be able to live in the real world again; but alas I’m back in my head.

I’m writing this post not because I want attention or sympathy. I just miss blogging but it was such an outlet for the young me and her fantasies that I’m afraid I’d get lost in her world again.

I’m not saying I’ve got a mental illness but fantasies can take over and perfection starts to feel like a real possibility. I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it. I think my head makes me more aware of how flawed I am.

I’m trying to look to God, like I did in my youth. The problem is I’m struggling to believe there is a God. I think I’m searching for a belief that feels real.

Since my fathers death I’m more aware of my mortality and having a child makes it worse and I think that is why all these questions and thoughts are coming full force.

I may at some point add another post updating on my crappy brain function but right now I’ll end this post and crawl back into my head.

Until next time…

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I am attempting to go back to church, because about 4 years ago it was a VERY big part of my life. I attended Hillsong until I moved away from London & church, but going back I thought would be easy. I was wrong, so VERY WRONG!

4 years ago church was very different at Hillsong, it was very much segregated into cliques, but 4 years later these cliques have become very exclusive. Is this what God wanted from his church? Before the cliques were easy to gain entry into, attend a function & there would a group of people waiting to invite you into their clique, but those functions have gone. I feel so sorry for anyone that is trying to find God here, because I don’t see him there anymore.

The last Sunday that I was there I actually left before it even started & went to the cinema. I felt so guilty, but I felt like I was being taunted. I spoke to a girl to try & get introduced to a connect group (weekly meetings for Christians to meet & band over God), but I walked away as though she had felt sick by the sight of me. Even the group of people she wanted to put me with were a fair distance from where I live & the group that I could see that looked closer she dismissed as though I was not worthy.

Being at Hillsong I feel like a secret millionaire, they discount me before they even realise what I have to offer. They could never meet Christ as they are too caught up in their own lives & cliques that even Jesus himself would be missed if he visited.

I am now left wondering whether this church that once (I felt) saved me from being a lone Christian, has now become the place that will push me away from my faith in God.

I know that no one from that church will ever read this or even care about my thoughts, as no one ever does, but this only has become a topic because I went to an event at Hillsong called The Gathering & the topic of the topic was “friendship”. It was so ironic that at the event one of the speakers talked about the church cliques & when people were upset with someone just moved on to a new group because the church was so big, but no one mentioned being a friend to everyone. Regardless of having you own little exclusive clique it is still supposed to be God’s house & God’s people.

I wonder what the next 4 years hold for the Christian community if they are becoming so exclusive who will or would want to be a part of it… Because today I don’t want to associate with God’s community because I don’t want to isolate myself from the people that I can save from pain, suffering or loneliness. The church has enough friends (cliques) within its walls, I think I will be friends with those without.