Posts Tagged ‘Me’

When I look at the people that speak about being enlighten or woke; they are usually men and I was wondering why men find it so easy to be in the present moment and believing the ideology of nothing is real but a creation of speaking into ones existence.

I realized that personally I find the idea scary.

I have just become a mother and the idea that in my death I will no longer remember my child or the life I have just left, frightens me. My mortality has become a real issue for me and I live in hope that when I die, I will not forget this experience.

When people talk about reincarnation I find that it must mean that our old life is forgotten. Some people even talk about us being one with the universe but they never talk about an experience of love for the people they have known in their lifetime.

So the reason why I am writing this post was due to a video I watched on YouTube.

At 2:38 of the video a woman explains her near death experience and I realize that I’ve had a similar story. I never forgot the experience but I didn’t realize that I had a near death experience until I listened to her story.

This made me think about my daughter and if I were to die will I remember my love for her?

Throughout life whether we join a religion or not, there is a collective question:

What happens when we die?

We are very unlikely to get an answer to this question but i do belive that dying is quite peaceful. (from my near death experience.)

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I realized that I’m a daydreamer and play out my life in my head. I find the real world hard to tolerate.

I have a whole existence in my head that is far better than the reality of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my hubby and I definitely love my child. I’m just lost in a nowhere place in my head.

This all sounds so crazy but I’ve spent so many years there, that I’m still trying to find my way out and the more of reality I see the more I retreat back into my safe place.

When I was younger the internet became Do you remember MySpace (lol, that makes me feel old)? That began my journey outside of myself, but with every blog post inbuilt up anxiety. I was not afraid of people reading my thoughts, but maybe the idea of people getting to know how messed up I actually am.

When I started chasing my real world career dreams I thought that I had combated my fantasy world because I was living my dreams. When that dream started to fade I found myself back inside my head… then I got pregnant.

Again I thought I was going to be able to live in the real world again; but alas I’m back in my head.

I’m writing this post not because I want attention or sympathy. I just miss blogging but it was such an outlet for the young me and her fantasies that I’m afraid I’d get lost in her world again.

I’m not saying I’ve got a mental illness but fantasies can take over and perfection starts to feel like a real possibility. I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it. I think my head makes me more aware of how flawed I am.

I’m trying to look to God, like I did in my youth. The problem is I’m struggling to believe there is a God. I think I’m searching for a belief that feels real.

Since my fathers death I’m more aware of my mortality and having a child makes it worse and I think that is why all these questions and thoughts are coming full force.

I may at some point add another post updating on my crappy brain function but right now I’ll end this post and crawl back into my head.

Until next time…