Posts Tagged ‘Perfection’

I realized that I’m a daydreamer and play out my life in my head. I find the real world hard to tolerate.

I have a whole existence in my head that is far better than the reality of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my hubby and I definitely love my child. I’m just lost in a nowhere place in my head.

This all sounds so crazy but I’ve spent so many years there, that I’m still trying to find my way out and the more of reality I see the more I retreat back into my safe place.

When I was younger the internet became Do you remember MySpace (lol, that makes me feel old)? That began my journey outside of myself, but with every blog post inbuilt up anxiety. I was not afraid of people reading my thoughts, but maybe the idea of people getting to know how messed up I actually am.

When I started chasing my real world career dreams I thought that I had combated my fantasy world because I was living my dreams. When that dream started to fade I found myself back inside my head… then I got pregnant.

Again I thought I was going to be able to live in the real world again; but alas I’m back in my head.

I’m writing this post not because I want attention or sympathy. I just miss blogging but it was such an outlet for the young me and her fantasies that I’m afraid I’d get lost in her world again.

I’m not saying I’ve got a mental illness but fantasies can take over and perfection starts to feel like a real possibility. I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it. I think my head makes me more aware of how flawed I am.

I’m trying to look to God, like I did in my youth. The problem is I’m struggling to believe there is a God. I think I’m searching for a belief that feels real.

Since my fathers death I’m more aware of my mortality and having a child makes it worse and I think that is why all these questions and thoughts are coming full force.

I may at some point add another post updating on my crappy brain function but right now I’ll end this post and crawl back into my head.

Until next time…


It is about a week before I am due to go on a snowboarding trip with a church group. I am not looking forward to it one bit.

As the trip has been approaching I have seemed to slip into a deep depression & all I see is the negative.

It is my fault that we are going on this trip, but I have this terrible habit of not thinking things through. Instead of thinking “How do Christians make me feel?” I have just agreed to attend the trip & now I am stressing about how I am going to fit into this group of Christian people.

I am the opposite of a “good Christian” as I live in “sin” with my boyfriend, but I wouldn’t change my life now. I used to be so focused on being the perfect Christian, but it was the church that made me realise that being a Christian wasn’t the best option for me as an introverted person.

I have never had any Christian friends, even when I was a budding Christian. So this trip is going to be very interesting!

I have been living in “sin” for 6 years now & we have been told that we are not allowed to share a room on the trip, so we have been forced to share a room with people of the same sex.
I find this quite interesting… It made me wonder…

How does the church deal with people struggling with their sexuality?

If someone who was a Christian was struggling with their sexuality & decided to go on a trip like this would they force them to share with someone of the same sex because males & females are not allowed to share a room.

I find the Church to be so archaic, they don’t seem to focus on the times that we are living in. They are so busy trying to control, that they are missing the point of life.
I feel I have learnt that the hard way.
I have missed the opportunity to make real loving friendships because I have been trying so hard to avoid being corrupted by the world, but it is the church that is corrupted. I doubt this is what God envisioned for His church when he sent Jesus to die for us.

We have free will to chose how we will follow God’s word, but I find the church seems to constantly enforce their rules, which takes free will away from the people they are supposed to be teaching. If a Christian doesn’t live right by what a church believes the bible to say, that is the individuals problem & they must take it up with God on judgement day.

As Christians we should not be telling people how to live as “who are we to judge”!

My boyfriend who is not a Christian got upset with me last night because I was stressing about how judged I felt by the church & he said “this is what I hate about organised religion, it makes people feel shit about themselves!” This is a true statement.

A friend of mine has just become a grandmother & I am one of the very few people she trusted telling, because her daughter isn’t married & she is so worried about how the church will judge her & her daughter.

So where is this LOVE that church is supposed to show? I know more people who are Christians that feel pressure to be perfect, than those who are just trying to become better.

Jesus was the saviour of sinners not the perfect!

We should be saving as Christians not destroying. The church is so concerned by the majority of people who are leaving the church & they never seem to look at what is wrong with the church, but what is wrong with society & the types of people who are leaving the church.

People should want to be a Christian, not feel that they are not perfect enough to be a Christian!